My Response to a Failed Speeding Fine Review

My rather sarcastic response to the police after a failed speeding fine review.

Just when I got my points on my driving licence cleared away, I recently got stitched for going 59 kph in a 50 kph zone by one of those unmarked white van mobile units parked between two cars on the side of the road at the bottom of a long hill. Worse, this is the same location I got zapped three years ago. I’m still driving my 2006 Holden SV6 which I purchased secondhand from a friend back in 2009. No doubt, it’s a great car with abundant power and reasonable handling. The police in South Australia seem to like using them as well.

Unfortunately, the car, being of quite a conspicuous shade of orange, is a magnet for speed radar traps. I wouldn’t be half surprised if the operator, safe in the anonymity of his unmarked vehicle, woke up to attention knowing that the likelihood of anyone driving such a vehicle down a long descent along a wide and quiet road will struggle to remain below 50 kph. More likely, that the mobile speed camera is automatic and the operator is asleep or watching porn on his iPhone.

Anyhow, I tried to repeal the fine on grounds that I might have ‘accidentally’ accelerated a little bit more than I should have done for a quick moment, which is quite likely, because I’ve been generally cautious on this stretch of road. Moreover, the road speed limit should have been denoted 60 kph at this location but for some peculiar reason, it had never been changed.

My repeal of the fine did not succeed and I was ordered to pay it and collect penalty points. Naturally, I wasn’t very happy and wrote back my response to the review team.

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Dear Review Team,

You will be pleased to know that I paid the speeding fine of $275. And let me congratulate you all on making a well-informed and unbiased decision with unerring and impartial justice. Judging from the time it took to receive the Review Team's decision, I properly surmise that you took great measures to read, in detail, the content of my Request for Review. Naturally, I trust that you did and, of course, you trust that I trust that you did; therefore, it is totally understandable to omit any of the points which I raised in the Request for Review. After all, we base our decisions on trust. It would be crass of me to suggest that the Review Team took a cursory glance of my Request for Review and then to follow up with a template response. The Review Team, following the highest of ethics, would not entertain such an action.

As a citizen of the world, I implore you to be even more exemplary in your duties to make the State safe from undue dangerous drivers such as myself. Beholden with a Holden SV6 sporting a conspicuous paint of 'Ignition Orange', it is no wonder that I caught the eye of that brave and courageous individual who was parked, in a very neat and courteous fashion, between two other vehicles who took the appropriate action of taking photographic evidence of my unwonted crime of driving at 59kph in a 50kph zone. Clearly, this is a crime that must be punished; hence, my complete understanding that you employ outside contractors in unmarked cars. Moreover, the road selected, specifically Mobile Point 1811 as listed on your Expiation Cube website, must be very dangerous and should require further monitoring and more extensive scrutiny. After all, the authorities must be right, despite that stretch of road being somewhat wider and emptier than the nearby 70kph Majors Road and 60kph Cove Road and on a long hill. However, you know best!

As a last general recommendation, let me exhort you to dedicate yourself to find more profitable locations for the Fines unit. Naturally, the grand sum of $12,800 for one day's work in one location is not sufficient to cover the costs of policing speeding throughout the state of South Australia. I can wholeheartedly recommend the 50kph section at the top of the Perry Barr hill just near the water reservoir. We recommend that your unmarked vehicle parks behind the one of the conveniently placed stone gabion blocks at the small car park which overlooks the quarry land. There, your driver will be safely positioned, freed from the eyes of curious passerbys. Furthermore, additional revenue may be obtained by aiming the speed radar gun down the straight 70kph passage to catch, off-guard, those highly dangerous drivers exceeding this limit. We would not want to have any pedestrians injured on this stretch of road, especially with the high volume of pedestrian traffic which can reach up to 10 individuals per month. I am reliably informed that they exist you understand. May we also suggest that you install more road speed limit signs and to ensure that they vary sufficiently enough across the same length of road and to change them around from time to time. This will guarantee some bonus additional revenue for your Order.

I look forward to the State of South Australia doubling their efforts to catch every speeder, every day, and not to tolerate any excess of the posted, or unposted, speed limit, how small it may be.

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Never heard anything since…